Dear Jamie,
when we're together,

I feel like we're
not in high school,

but in our own little
Chris-and-Jamie world.

Whether we're watching
"Party of Five"

or practicing our cheers,

I feel like I can
just be myself.

Jamie, we've been friends
for a really long time,

but I want to be
more than that.

I don't think so.

Hoping to be
your boyfriend.

Sincerely, Chris Brander.

BFF!

¶ I swear ¶

¶ By the moon and the stars
in the skies ¶

¶ I'll be there,
yeah ¶

¶ And I swear ¶

¶ Like a shadow
that's by your side ¶

¶ I'll be there ¶

¶ For better or worse... ¶

- Raise your hand if your brother's a homo!
- ¶ Till death do us part... ¶

- Get out of my room!
- Mom!

Stupid! Anybody ever hear
of privacy around here?!

- ¶ I swear ¶
- You're the homo.

Jamie!

Yeah, I signed
your yearbook.

You feel the same
way about me?

You want a kiss?

Jamie,
I signed your yearbook.

Jamie,
I'm opening your gate.

What's up, guys?

Class of '95.

Hey, what's up, Leon, Trevor?
Great season. Great.

I love you.

- Hey, guys.
- Chris Brander, ladies and gentlemen!

- Happy graduation, Chris.
- What's going on?

I thought it was supposed to be
just the four of us.

The Palaminos decided
to throw Jamie

- a surprise graduation party.
- Oh, that's just great!

- Tonight's the night.
- Where is she?

I think I saw her go in the garage
with the football team.

- Sweet.
- No fear, Chris? This is your

- chance to get out of the "friend zone."
- Yeah.

Okay.

¶... for hip hop
this is hip hop for today ¶

¶ I give props to hip hop,
so hip hop hooray... ¶

Jamie.

- Chris!
- Yay!

You came, finally!
I'm so happy.

Oh, come on,
come on!

Oh my God,
we graduated!

- God.
- Yeah.

What's up?

There's something I've been
meaning to say to you.

Jamie!
There you are.

- Hey, Tim.
- Shut up, chubs.

Funny guy!

Jamie...

- will you sign my yearbook, please?
- Can I do it later, Tim?

Can I do you later?

I need a beer!

I can't believe...

- I went out with him.
- You went out with him.

Jinx! 1-2-3-4-5-6-7, can't say
a thing till I say...

Come in.

- Oh, hi. Hi, Jamie.
- Hey, Dusty.

I was hoping
I'd find you here.

I didn't know
you played guitar.

L-I r-really...

I really want to be a famous musician.

And, um,
I wrote you a song.

He wrote me a song!
That's so cute.

It's called
"Jamie Smiles."

¶ When Jam... ¶

Hold on.

¶ When Jamie... ¶

He's crazy.

¶ When Jamie... ¶

God damn it!
Come on, Dusty!

Dusty, come here.

Maybe you should come back
another time when you're...

- Oh, no, I got it.
- You can come back

and then play it
for us later, okay?

- I really... I've got it. It's beautiful.
- Yeah.

- It is.
- Bye, Dusty.

Jesus.

Yeah.

Oh, I almost forgot.

I got you a little
something right here.

Okay. Now I know
it's a little dorky,

but I had to do it.

So look at it.

Will you put it
on for me?

- Now?
- Please, please? Put it on.

- Okay. Quickly.
- Okay okay okay okay.

- I think it's gonna fit.
- Yeah.

- Let's see.
- Okay.

- Here we go.
- Okay.

It's a little snug.

Oh my God,
isn't that so cute?

"Shakes come and go,

but friends are
furrr-ever!"

That's adorable!
Let's go show my mom.

She'll love it. Let's go
show her. Come on.

- Let's not. No no. Come on.
- Chris, she's gonna love it!

Just... just wait.

- Just... we're busy!
- Chris, are you okay?

Yes, I'm fine.
I just...

I signed your yearbook.

Um...

read it...
please.

Okay.

Please, God.

"Stud muffin, getting it on
in your love truck was hot!"

- Oh!
- Wait! That's not what I wrote!

This is Tim's yearbook.

- Chris?
- Oh my God!

Listen to this.
Listen to this.

"When we're together,
I feel"...

- Gimme!
- "Like we're not in high school, but we're

- in our own Chris-and-Jamie little world."
- Tim... okay.

Okay.

- "You're my best friend..."
- Please, don't read that.

"But I want to be
more than that"?

"Hoping to be
your boyfriend.

Sincerely, Chris Brander,
BFF."

It's a joke! That's a joke
between me and Jamie!

Holy shit!
Check out his shirt!

Aw, he's gonna cry.

See ya!

G'bye, fatty!

Chris!

Try a salad!

- Chris!
- Leave me alone!

Don't worry about it.
It happens to everybody.

Chris! We need to talk
about what you wrote.

Is that really
how you feel?

I don't know.
Maybe. Why?

Because that's the nicest thing
anyone's ever written me.

It was?

Yes.

I love you, Chris...

like a brother.

- We're friends, right?
- For sure!

You pussy!

Shut up, Tim!

Don't you people have anything
better to do?!

God! Just leave
him alone!

You jerks!

I'll show you!

I'll show all of you!

This town
is full of losers

and I'm pulling
out to win!

Chris!
Chris, come back!

- My name is Chris Brander!
- Chris, let's talk!

You remember that name!
'Cause I'm gonna be somebody!

I don't know what to say.

I mean,
the sex is good,

but I'm a person too.

I mean, I have
feelings and needs

other than
just physical!

Don't you have anything
to say for yourself?

I think you've pretty much
said it all.

You know what?
This just isn't working out.

Have a great life,
'cause Athena's out!

I don't know why you
just don't take me serious!

I guess Athena's out.

God, can you
believe that?

I get dumped four days
before Christmas.

- I saw.
- Yeah, and yet, you did nothing.

Technically, that makes you
an accomplice.

Guilty as charged.

You know, in some cultures
they'd spank you for that.

Oh, I love to travel.

- Chris Brander.
- I'm Mandy.

Of course you are. You know,
I know a song called "Mandy."

Oh!

He shoots, he scores.

- Nice, nice!
- Yeah, Brander! Great job, Brander!

You're the bad bunny.
No. No, that's you.

You're the bad bunny.
Yeah.

Okay, that's enough
out of you.

Next time you call me,
you call me collect.

Okay. Bye-bye.

- So how'd it go last night?
- Home by 10:00.

Pants off in front
of the computer by 10:01.

Nice. What about Sheila?
Are you making any headway?

We'll see. I'm taking her
to lunch today...

Oh, whoa, whoa whoa.
Don't... don't do that.

- Okay? Don't do lunch.
- Why?

That's like the express lane
to the friend zone.

What the hell's
the friend zone?

See when a girl decides
that you're her friend,

you're no longer
a dating option.

You become a complete
non-sexual entity in her eyes,

like her brother.
Or a lamp.

I don't want
to be a lamp.

Yeah. Well, then don't be
her friend, okay?

Oh. Take that guy,
for example.

- You mean that couple?
- No no no.

No, I mean the guy that
wishes they were a couple.

- What is your point?
- My point is...

call Sheila, Ray.
Call her right now.

Move your day date
to tonight.

Play the entire thing aloof and no matter
what you do, kiss her at the end.

- 'Cause friends don't kiss.
- All right. "Aloof."

Hi.

- Straight to voicemail.
- Ouch.

Hope you're not too late.
You may already be girlfriends.

- Really? How will I know?
- Look. It doesn't matter, okay?

If you feel yourself
going there, walk away.

Where'd you come up
with this theory?

Some chick f'd me up
in high school bad.

Excuse me.
Excuse me.

Excuse you!

I saw you flirting
with me out there.

How could you do
that to your boyfriend?

Who, him?
We're just friends.

Oh, no no no, I never said that, Lindsay. I
wouldn't do that.

No, I'm driving
through a tunnel.

Okay. One second here.
Hey, Francine, you look great.

- Thanks.
- That color really brings out your legs.

Hey, I don't even know you.
Yeah. Ho-ho-ho.

That's great.
Merry Christmas.

I can still see it.
I can still... rub harder!

Don't dab at it!
Rub it.

Rub, rub it, rub it!

Look, honestly, these pants
make me look fat?

- Well...
- You're fired!

- What?
- I'm kidding.

Ho-ho-ho! Who's got
a Christmas present?

I do.

How you doing, boss?
Merry Christmas.

- I look fat in these pants?
- Hell no.

Excellent! So you're
seeing your family

- for the holidays.
- Well, as a matter of fact...

- Wait. You want anything?
- No.

Go! Wait.

- Family.
- Parents are separated.

- Jersey's not my idea of a good time, so...
- Fabulous.

- Check this out.
- Yeah. Great. Good.

First up tonight, you've seen
her in the pages of magazines,

and well, the opening
of practically anything,

but what what you may not
know about this "it" girl...

is her humanitarian side.

Hey, everyone.
I'm Samantha James

and I'm here
with Mr. Cluck Cluck

and my new
best friend Wafoofi

and we're part of a kick-ass
humanitarian effort

to help promote vegetarianism
in third world countries,

which is really really
important.

Okay, and speaking of
really really important...

I have some good news.

I've been recording
for my new album

which I hope to have out
early next...

- I want that album.
- Hah! What?!

- Samantha James?
- Yeah.

No no no no. Listen to me
very carefully now.

Samantha James
is a crazy person.

Hey, you're the one that
used to diddle her, not me.

It was one date!
And I ended up in the hospital.

Have you seen this poster?
Have you seen...

- this poster?
- Yeah, with the fruit.

This is the hottest-selling
poster in the United States.

People love her.
They love her!

Oh, who loves her?

MTV just got her a new
reality show next year.

We time the CD release with the show,
we got a guaranteed hit

plus free promotion.

- She's recording over...
- I know where she's recording.

Good. Good.
Make me happy.

Go away.
Wait. Not you.

Wait!

You don't make me happy, I'm gonna
find somebody else to make me happy.

Loud and clear. Yeah.
Clear as a bell.

- Good.
- Okay.

What are you
still doing here?

Go!
Go get me lobster!

Go! Run! Lobster!

Run away! Run!
Daddy want a fish!

¶ Yeah, uh uh,
eins zwei drei vier! ¶

¶ We might be
a world apart ¶

¶ World apart ¶

¶ But you're always
in my heart ¶

¶ Always in my heart ¶

- ¶ When you look up at the stars ¶
- ¶ Look up at the stars ¶

- ¶ Feel my love from afar ¶
- ¶ Afar afar ¶

- ¶ Looking down like a shining star ¶
- ¶ Shining star ¶

- ¶ Dancing free with my guitar ¶
- ¶ My guitar ¶

- ¶ I don't know just where you are ¶
- ¶ Where are you? ¶

¶ Love from afar,
love from afar ¶

¶ Feel my love... ¶

Cut! Cut!

Okay, Ron, which jokester
changed the key on me?

No one, Samantha.

It's been the same key
for the last 43 takes.

Well, something's off then,
because I'm just not feeling it, okay?

God, I need my guitar.

- We need to mix the tracks separately.
- No!

My lyrics say "dancing free
with my guitar," Ron.

So, I'm gonna
be real, okay?

I'm not gonna let you
and Hong Kong Phooey up there

turn me into some poppy
bubblegum wannabe.

Okay?
I need to transcend!

Are you guys
even listening to me?

¶ You guys are assholes,
you're assholes... ¶

- Switch it off, guys.
- ¶ Ron, you're an asshole ¶

¶ You guys are assholes,
You're assholes. ¶

She's all yours.

Chris!

Hey!

I can't hear you, Samantha.
I can't hear you, Samantha.

- Can't hear you.
- Oh.

Oh, light bulb.
There you go.

Oh my God,
I don't believe it!

God, I've missed you.

Oh... okay.

Wait a minute. Are you here
because you miss me,

or are you just here because your
boss wants to sign me?

Both?

That's cool.
Guess I missed you too.

God, I want to lick
your skin off!

- I prefer you didn't.
- But I want to.

Don't.

You're gonna get it.
You're gonna get it, baby.

- I don't want it.
- Bad kitty. Meow, meow.

- Okay.
- Oh! Listen, what're you doing

- over the holidays?
- I'm going to Santa Barbara...

'Cause Paris is throwing
a Christmas bash in Paris.

Okay, Paris isn't
gonna work for...

I'm gonna call my assistant
and we're gonna go tonight.

We can work and play.
Mreow.

Oh my God! I just wrote a new song.
You have to hear it!

This one's called
"Forgiveness."

¶ Forgiveness ¶

¶ Is more than
saying sorry ¶

¶ To forgive is divine ¶

¶ So let's have
a glass of wine ¶

¶ And have makeup sex ¶

¶ Until the end of ¶

¶ Time time time time ¶

¶ Time ¶

¶ Time. ¶

So what did you
you think?

I mean, my God!

Oh my God,
you're sweet.

- What is that?
- This is a taser gun.

My publicist gave it to me
to ward off stalkers.

Tuna.

- You want some?
- I'll pass.

I'm so glad
KC got us back together.

Yeah, you're awful.

I have a great idea.

What if on our way to Paris
we stop off in Ireland

and find out
where U2 lives?

What if we got someone
like Bono to sing backup?

I'd be all...
¶ Forgiveness is the way, ¶

and he'd go, ¶ Forgiveness every day ¶
only all Bono-y.

Wouldn't that
be amazing?

What if I added
more vibrato?

¶ Forgiveness ¶

¶ Is more than
sayin' sorry ¶

¶ To forgive is divine ¶

¶ So let's have
a glass of... ¶

Okay. Who's the genius
behind this?

The container said
"microwavable."

But the aluminum
foil wasn't.

Well, I'm not supposed to worry
about stuff like that.

I'm the talent.

Daddy, we're down.

Not exactly warm
out here, is it?

- How long till we're airborne again?
- Nice plane!

- Not till tomorrow.
- Terrific. Where are we?

Not happy!

We're on a private field
an hour outside of Trenton.

Jersey?
We're in New Jersey?

Hey, wait a minute.
Am I being Punk'd?

Where's Ashton?
Ha!

Ashton!

Oh my God!
Ha ha.

You totally got me!

Ashton?

I love it that you're taking me home
to meet your mom.

Was this one of your
clever little plans?

Yes. I planned you
setting the plane on fire.

Surprise!

Oh, my little boy.

Be right down.

I do not remember
Jersey being this cold.

Well, it's been uncommonly
cold this month.

We've gone through
seven bags of rock salt.

Your house is just
so quaint, Mrs. Brander,

I mean, Chris, you never told me
you were so provincial.

It's like a true
rags to riches story,

but I've always found the middle class to
be just so much more real.

I mean, isn't Chris great?

Yeah, he is a nice boy.

You know, he usually
flies us out to Los Angeles.

It's been...

oh, nine, 10...

- It's 10 years. Yeah.
- 10?

10 years
since he's been home.

- All right. Good job, Dougie.
- Oh, hi, honey!

Oh my God.

- Mikey.
- Oh my God!

- Is that my Christmas present?
- Sam, my younger brother Mike.

- Samantha James.
- Samantha James.

Mike Brander.
It is an honor.

I have your poster
on my wall,

- but you are way hotter in person.
- I know!

- You have her poster on your wall?
- Yeah.

I slapped the ham
to it like an hour ago.

What ham did you slap?

Not the ham
that I just bought?

Oh, Mrs. Brander, do you have
anything else besides ham?

Because I'm on
the Perricone diet

and I need salmon
like now.

I love salmon. It's the prettiest
color for bedrooms.

- So relaxing.
- I'm gonna start drinking.

Um, does anybody want anything?
Some coffee?

Maybe some salmon
or something?

Just gonna...

yeah.

Mike! Good to be home.

Oh, boy. Okay.

Hi. Yes, I know,
very exciting.

Hi. Hi.

Oh. Chris,
let's get it to go.

People are staring at me.

Oh my God...
plastic menus!

Well, this isn't gonna work,
is it now, Chris?

Chris?

Excuse me, but I was
wondering if you think

America will ever switch
to the metric system?

Well, that's
a very interesting...

- Oh my God! Chris!
- I don't believe this!

- Oh! God, you look great!
- I don't... you look great!

- Well, thank you! How you been?
- We're married.

- You're married!
- Married?

- Yeah, we're married, we got a kid. TJ.
- We have a son. TJ.

- TJ!
- He looks like me. He's got Clark's eyes...

Oh my God!
Where does the time go?

He's like the creative mind kid, he's like,
brilliant and you can meet him.

- That's great!
- God, look at those teeth!

Those are some nice veneers
you got, my friend.

- Don't tell me that you're a dentist.
- A dentist?

- I totally sold out, dude.
- Hey, you and me both, buddy.

Lover, aren't you
gonna introduce me?

Yes!

Samantha, these are
my old friends.

This is Clark,
this is Darla.

Your names are
"Clark" and "Darla"?

Yeah.

Oh my God,
that is so cute!

I just wanna
eat you both up!

Okay, I am gonna go
to the little girl's room.

- Good.
- And then we're outie.

- Okay.
- Okay.

She's... incoming.

Oh my God.

Check out that
girl's ass. Huge!

It was so nice
meeting you.

Darla.

She's adorable.

- And affectionate.
- Christ sakes.

- Chris Brander, ladies and gentlemen!
- Yes! You guys, so good...

Chris Brander?
Chris Brander?

Holy...

I saw you at the Grammys
sitting next to P. Diddy!

It's me Tim.
You remember?

Oh, how could I
forget you, Tim?

Hey, you got $5

that I can,
like, have?

Yeah.

You keep
living the dream, Tim.

Done!

Buh-bye now.

- Class of '95!
- Class of '95!

Here's your money,
bitch!

- He looks good.
- Man, I can't believe...

wha... like what happened?
Where did you go?

Hey, you know...
just migrated west.

You know, I'm living
the dream out there, I guess.

I just stayed with my dad
for awhile, and...

yeah, hocked my soul
for a record executive job...

and started...
I mean I had an internship first

- a couple of years.
- Right.

Jamie.

Jamie?

- Chris, hi!
- Hi!

What are you
doing down there?

Oh, I'm just busted!

How are you?
Oh, shit. Hold on.

Look at you!

Oh my God,

I can put my
arms around you.

- You look so great! Look at this body!
- Thank you.

- You're like a new man!
- Yeah.

These arms
and your belly,

and look at...
pecs, and...

Chris Brander.

God.
Jamie Palamino.

So, um... so how long
are you in town for?

Um, just the night,
actually.

Just one night, really?
You can't stay any longer?

No. I wish I could, but l...

Let's go, Chris.
There's pee on the floor.

- Yeah.
- Okay...

all right, well...

- it's really great to see you again.
- You too.

Just give me
a call sometime.

I'm living
with my parents.

Oh, I know.
I'm living with my parents.

Okay, bye.

- Bye.
- Bye.

- Jamie Pal.
- Whoa!

She's like a box
of fine wine.

You would know.

You know, in high school
you'd never get a girl like that.

And now you get
whoever you want.

I bet you could
definitely hit Jamie Pal.

- Definitely.
- Okay. Okay.

- Excuse me.
- Oh yeah.

You go! Whoo!

- Hey!
- Hey!

Look, there is a chance that my
flight might be delayed an extra day.

- What are you doing tomorrow?
- Um, nothing.

- Do you want to meet for lunch?
- You mean like a day date?

Yeah.

Great!

Chris! Chris!

- I'll pick you up at noon.
- Chris! Chris!

- Chris! Chris! Chris!
- Awesome, I'm really...

- I'm busy!
- I'm busy! Stupid dick!

- That sounds awesome. I'll see you then.
- Bye.

Let's go.

- What was that all about?
- Nothing.

It's just an old
friend saying hi.

Yeah, well, let's
keep it that way.

- It's not a handball.
- My handball.

Meow. Meow.

¶ I used to know you
when we were young ¶

¶ You were
in all my dreams ¶

¶ We sat together
in period one ¶

¶ Fridays at 8:15... ¶

- Whoa.
- ¶ But I will wait for you ¶

¶ As long as I need to ¶

¶ And if you ever get
back to Hackensack ¶

¶ I'll be here for you. ¶

¶ Jesus Christ our savior
was born upon this day ¶

¶ To save us all
from Satan's power ¶

¶ When we were
gone astray ¶

¶ Oh, tidings... ¶

Hey! Dumb-ass.

Wake up.

Hey, wake up.

Morning.

Agh! What?

I need you to
do me a favor.

What do you
want from me?!

I ran into Jamie Palomino
last night.

Oh, here we go again.

I'm not the same person
I was in high-school, pal.

You'll always be fat
to me, Chris.

What do you want from me?!

I need you
to detain Samantha.

I could do that.

- Chris, wait!
- It's a beautiful day.

What about Paris?

Look, Paris can wait. This is important.
You don't wanna be

- out of touch with your audience, do you?
- No.

No, well then, you need
to connect with your audience,

you need to feed off their energy.

After all, they're the ones who're
gonna be buying your album.

The problem is where
in New Jersey are we gonna find

a proper cross-section
of your fans?

- The mall?
- A mall!

That's a great idea!

- We have so much in common!
- I know!

- God.
- Let's do it to it!

Whoa! I am not
going with him!

Look, what better way to relate
to your fans than to go with one?

In we go.

You're not coming with me?

No, sweetie.
You need to do this alone.

- I can't be your crutch.
- But l...

Watch your face!

Buckle up!

Great.
That's good.

That's looking good.

Great, guys.
Really good.

Mr. Palamino,
how you doing?

Well well well,

if it isn't
Mr. Valentine's Day!

This guy, every Valentine's Day,
he'd buy Jamie like a dozen roses.

Used to drive all
her boyfriends nuts!

Ha! Till we explained, of course,
it was just her little friend Chris.

Yeah,
I remember that.

You prick.

I see you still have the best
Christmas display in town, sir.

- Hey! In the state!
- Hey, Chris!

I'll be right out.

So, how'd you
lose all that weight?

Like that retard
from Subway?

It was great
talking to you, sir.

Are you kidding me?

I rented the nicest Porsche
in New Jersey.

I'm just gonna play
this whole thing aloof

and she's gonna be eating out
of the palm of my hand in no time.

Gotta go.

Porsche.
Girls must love this.

I hate this stupid thing too.
It's a rental.

So ostentatious.
It's all they had left.

- God, this place hasn't changed a bit.
- I know.

Are you sure that you don't want
to go someplace else?

- No, we can't leave. We have history here.
- History.

Oh my goodness,
I remember you two.

Oh, you're not
a chubby bunny anymore.

- Oh, my personal space.
- I'll be right back.

I've got a little
surprise for you.

Can't wait.

Haha!
Chubby bunny!

Thanks for
reminding me I was fat.

So why did you disappear
on me 10 years ago?

Listen, about that...

Where you
that mad at me?

Come on, Jamie. It was like
100 years ago, all right?

I'm not that pathetic
little dweeb anymore.

You were never
a dweeb, Chris.

- So, tell me about your job.
- Oh my God.

You know, once you get over
all the glamour, you know, it's...

it's nothing but total insanity.

You know, if it's not Pink calling you,
then you got Good Charlotte...

it's Jay Z's birthday party, you know, and
I'm totally name-dropping right now

and I'd really like to stop.
Mick Jagger. How 'bout you?

You know, what happened to you?
How'd you end up working at The Maple?

I don't work
at The Maple.

I mean, I work at The Maple
but I don't really work at The Maple.

- Yeah.
- I'm studying to be a teacher

so I'm living at home
and I'm working...

It's the coast.
Be right back.

What happened to him?

¶ Five golden rings ¶

- ¶ Four calling birds ¶
- I don't care what your mommy said.

¶ Three French hens,
two turtle doves ¶

Oh, this is gonna be a great song.
"Mall People."

"Mall people,
they come and go...

small people,
they just don't know."

- How's it goin'?
- Fantastic.

- How's it going with Jamie?
- Treating her like

- every boyfriend she's ever had.
- You da man!

- So I wanna run an idea by you.
- No.

Since you're trying to hook up with Jamie,
what if I went to Paris with Samantha

- instead of you? That way you...
- No.

- You haven't heard the whole thing yet!
- No.

You know what, just... just think
about it and get back to me.

- Oh my God!
- I gotta go.

- So, how's the coast?
- Super.

Here we go!

One grilled cheese
with ranch on the side

and one Sugar Mountain Supreme
for the chubby bunny.

Excuse me, um,

this-this... this isn't
gonna work for me.

But this is what
you always order.

Yeah. 10 years ago,
when I was a whale.

The pancakes are fine.
He's just kidding.

What?

- Be more rude!
- She's rude! She's rude!

I haven't had sweets
in 10 years, okay? Do you know

- what this would do to my stomach?
- Relax, little girl.

I'll have the pancakes and you
can have my sandwich, okay?

I'll just enjoy
this glass of water.

I'm stuffed.

Good times.
Good times!

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Thanks again for lunch.
- Oh, I'll get your door.

Oh. Okay.

Shit.

- Whew!
- Yeah.

Well, it was great
seeing you again.

You too.

Yeah, glad I ran
into you last night.

Yeah, it was
a surprise.

Big surprise.
Yeah.

It's cold out here.

Yeah, it is.
It's like the South Pole.

It's like the deep South Pole
if there was one.

There isn't, though.

Um, thanks for walking
me to my door.

Yeah. Again, it was
great seeing you...

again.

- You, too.
- Yeah.

Take care.

Yeah, you too.

- Oh.
- That's good.

- Take care.
- You too.

Stupid! Stupid!
Stupid!

What the hell?!

God!

Oh my God!

It's the South Pole!
It's the deep South Pole?

It's the South Pole.
The deep South Pole!

I don't think there is one,
but if there was one

I bet it would be
in the south!

- I left my gloves in the car.
- Oh.

- There you go.
- Thanks.

Hey, look who's here!
What's up, Hollywood?

- How the big date go?
- It was terrible.

I went in for a kiss,
but she wants a hug, okay?

Then I get caught in a sort
of kiss-hug limbo type thing.

I don't know what that is, then I
ended up shaking her entire body.

So y-you gave her
a body shake?

Oh, God! I should've just kissed her!
What am I doing?

It looks like you picked up right
where you left off.

You're back
in the friend zone.

Oh, f-f...

What?

Little problem.

Okay, she's got
a bit of a headache.

It's not that bad. Ha!

Oh my God!

What the hell
happened to her?

Long story short,
she fell.

Samantha, are you okay?

I'm gonna make bubble.

Dude, she's fine!

Look at her. She's having a good time.
She's got her toothpaste.

All you had to do was watch her for a few
hours. What did you do to her?

Nothing! She's just all
loopy from all the Vicodin.

Where did you
get the Vicodin?

Mom.

Blueberry!

Okay.
I'm gonna kill you.

What?!
You said detain her!

- You're a dead man, Mike!
- She's detained!

Eww.

- My balls!
- Oh.

You're dead.

No, Chris! No!

Chris...

Chris, no!

- My boss! Truce!
- Truce!

- Truce!
- Okay.

- Hello?
- Nyah!

Hey, Chrissy!

How's my future star doing?

Great.
She's doing great, sir.

So let me... let me...
let me say hi to her.

She's a little incapacitated
at the moment.

Oh, a little incapacitated,
that's my baby, that's my boy!

Look, when you two get back, I've got this
incredible marketing campaign

lined up for the spring quarter.
Our number one priority:

- Samantha James!
- Awesome.

Three two, one!

Ho-ho-ho.

- Yeah-ha-ha! Yeah!
- Merry Christmas!

It's a Palamino Christmas!

Again!

- Hello?
- Jamie.

- Hey.
- What's up?

Listen, you're never gonna believe this,
but I can't get a flight out.

- I'm stuck here another day.
- Oh.

I want to apologize
for earlier.

- Let me make it up to you.
- I taste good.

Do you want to go
ice skating?

- I thought you hated ice skating.
- I used to,

but you know, I'm actually
pretty damn good now.

I'm the MVP
in my league, in fact.

Come on, it'll be
like old times.

- Hello, Joyce?
- Mom? I'm on the phone.

Oh! Well, Chris, what are you
doing over at Joyce's?

No, Mom. I'm in the living room,
10 feet away from you

- and I'm on the phone.
- Oh.

Well, you know,
I was wondering

while I have you on the phone,
what would you like for dinner?

We-we have a choice between chicken
chow mein or pot roast.

Mom. Please.

Mom!

- Mom!
- What is it, peanut?

Where are my ice skates?

Oh, honey, I gave
those away years ago.

Are you serious?
I need them.

Well, honey, why would I keep them?
You're never here.

Besides, you-you weren't
terribly good at ice skating.

Well, I'm good now!

And I need my skates
to show off my talents.

Oh, well, honey,
I'm sure you can rent a pair.

Besides, you don't have
to show off for Jamie.

Just...
just be yourself.

¶ Be yourself ¶

¶ Be yourself,
be yourself. ¶

Now, come on! Mikey and I are
making snow angels!

I don't want
to be myself.

My snow globe collection.

¶ Jingle bells, jingle bells,
jingle all the way ¶

¶ Oh what fun it is to ride
in a one-horse open sleigh... ¶

Stupid rental skates.

You know what?
You're a lot better than before.

- I'm wearing figure skates from the '30s.
- Here, let me help you.

Okay, I can do it myself, okay?
I'm good. I'm good now.

- So...
- So...

- How's the love life?
- Lame.

- Marty and I broke up a year ago.
- Another jerk?

- "Another jerk?"
- I'm kidding...

I'm just saying you
dated a lot of jerks

back in high school,
that's all.

So how about you? You in love
with anyone besides yourself?

No.

I've really just
been dating, you know?

Just trying to look
for my soulmate.

You didn't buy that,
did you?

Maybe you
should try harder.

Or I could try this.

Oh...

Hey guys,
it's Miss Palamino!

Yay!

Hi, guys.

Sarah and Joey
and Brett. Hi!

- What, you... you know these kids?
- Yeah, I substitute teach

- their class.
- Hey, um, we're having a pickup game.

We could use some more bodies.
You guys play?

You know Chris is a great player,
but he has rentals.

- A good skater can skate in anything.
- Yeah!

I'm in.

Okay, guys. Keep it clean.

Shoot it!

Get it in!
And goal!

- What was that?!
- You're pathetic!

I'm sorry, okay?

It's just these damn
rental skates.

It's fine. Just don't cuss in front
of the children.

Potty mouth.

Get him, Terry!

He hacked me!

Wanna fight, punk?

- What, are you kidding me?
- Fight!

Fight! Fight!
Fight! Fight!

All right, all right,
break it up, break it up.

What is your problem?
She's just a child.

- That's a girl?
- Pussy!

- Yeah!
- All right!

Okay, listen. We're getting
creamed out there.

- It's his fault.
- You suck, Brander.

- Hey.
- I brand you "Suckster."

- Oh my... that's enough.
- Hey.

Now Chris is trying
his best here.

Sorry, Miss Palamino,
but he's just so terrible.

- I'm not terrible.
- Suckster! Suckster! Suckster! Suckster!

- Maybe you should call it a day.
- No, I can do this!

- Suckster! Suckster. Suckster! Suckster...
- Hey!

I'm a really good skater,
little girl!

Watch! You might
learn something!

I'm taking this one.

Me?

Chris, no!

No!

No slap shots!